“Good afternoon, sir”
“Who the hell are you?”
“I am Oxford Tweed, sir. Double-Oh P45, Licenced to sell intoxicating liquour for consuption on or off the premises”
“What? Oh, you. Yes. I sent for you because we have a serious problem, Mr Tweed. We believe we are under some kind of alien threat from these” (Clicks a button).
“That’s a lawn chair. sir”
“Well identified, Mr Tweed. Except it isn’t. That is an example of a Caman-Atus. They appear to have landed on our planet while Jodrall Bank were watching X-Files.”
“But sir! The X-Files hasn’t been on TV for years!”
“Quite correct, Mr Tweed, The lawn chairs have been slowly invading our planet for almost ten years now. We belive they have fallen under the evil influance of Suckvelcro, Master of Disguise and Hats.”
“Is there any way to tell the Caman-Atchoo from lawn chairs?”
“Atus, Tweed. Caman-Atus. And yes. Normal lawnchairs do not attack to kill under normal circumstances.”
“I mean, sir, no way to tell by looking at them?”
“Apparently not. We’ve evacuated a town thought to be the headquarters for the organisation. Your mission is to go in there and sort it out, there’s a good chap.”
“Any backup?”
“The Yanks have been sending in the usual marines, but nobody’s heard from them.”
“So, I’m to be sent into battle alone where hundreds failed, to fight evil murderous lawn chairs and save humanity as we know it, armed only with a Walter Probable People Killer?”
“Good gracious, no.”
“Oh good.”
“We can at least give you a flask of tea while you’re doing it.”
“Oh. Good.”
“Oh, and we suspect there may be more than lawn-chairs out there. I mean, who ever heard of a lawn-chair killing a marine?”
“Oh. Good.”
“Be careful, Tweed. We’re counting on you.”