“Good afternoon, sir”
“Who the hell are you?”
“I am Oxford Tweed, sir. Double-Oh P45, Licenced to sell intoxicating
liquour for consuption on or off the premises”
“What? Oh, you. Yes. I sent for you because we have a serious problem,
Mr Tweed. We believe we are under some kind of alien threat from these”
(Clicks a button).
“That’s a lawn chair. sir”
“Well identified, Mr Tweed. Except it isn’t. That is an example of a
Caman-Atus. They appear to have landed on our planet while Jodrall Bank
were watching X-Files.”
“But sir! The X-Files hasn’t been on TV for years!”
“Quite correct, Mr Tweed, The lawn chairs have been slowly invading our
planet for almost ten years now. We belive they have fallen under the
evil influance of Suckvelcro, Master of Disguise and Hats.”
“Is there any way to tell the Caman-Atchoo from lawn chairs?”
“Atus, Tweed. Caman-Atus. And yes. Normal lawnchairs do not attack to
kill under normal circumstances.”
“I mean, sir, no way to tell by looking at them?”
“Apparently not. We’ve evacuated a town thought to be the headquarters
for the organisation. Your mission is to go in there and sort it out,
there’s a good chap.”
“Any backup?”
“The Yanks have been sending in the usual marines, but nobody’s heard
from them.”
“So, I’m to be sent into battle alone where hundreds failed, to fight
evil murderous lawn chairs and save humanity as we know it, armed only
with a Walter Probable People Killer?”
“Good gracious, no.”
“Oh good.”
“We can at least give you a flask of tea while you’re doing it.”
“Oh. Good.”
“Oh, and we suspect there may be more than lawn-chairs out there. I
mean, who ever heard of a lawn-chair killing a marine?”
“Oh. Good.”
“Be careful, Tweed. We’re counting on you.”