Aquarionics Wiki




It is important, occasionally, to make something from scratch. So we are going to make Lasagna. First, shoot a cow.

Well, not that far from scratch. Instead of shooting a cow directly - not easy in London - I asked my local neighbourhood organic global megacorperation to send me some pre-shot cow, preferably in little bits. And they said “Sure. What else would you like?” And I said:

Red Bits

The problem with Red Lasagna Sauce is that there is no standard recipe. Beyond the basics (Meat, Tomatoes, herbs) you’re pretty much free to do anything that tastes nice. Some people add Lea & Perrins, others swear by curry powder (don’t do that, it’s silly) or hot sauce (Not for Lasagna, surely?). Anyway, prepare the red sauce. Usually by dumping the meat & onion in some hot oil to brown, then adding the tomatoes and everything else, and then simmering down over the course of a coon’s age. Practice this bit by making spagetti bolagnase with the same recipe until you find one you like.

White Bits

(Or use white source from a jar)

White sauce is deceptively tricky. The process is simple: Melt butter, add some flour, add milk slowly, stir for-fucking-ever as it combines & thickens, don’t let it burn or boil too much. I add Cinnamon because it makes it taste gorgious, you may add nutmeg instead, or as well, or whatever. I used about three quarters of a pint of milk, and Enough flour, which ended up being a small bowl full. Practice this my making cheese sauce (Which is the same as white sauce, just add a block of grated cheese and stir before you serve)


(Or buy some lasagna sheets)

Yeah, we’re making our own pasta. Not too complicated, even. This is how you do it:

Put some flour in a medium bowl, enough so that the following will work:

Hollow out a nest in the middle, big enough for two whisked eggs.

Whisk two eggs, then add them to the nest.

Stir the eggs inside the nest of flour with a fork. As you stir, the eggs will slowly pick up flour from the walls of the nest and combine into a dough-like substance. When you have a sticky, but structually connected, blob start to more activly roll it in the flour until it’s not sticky.

Knead it in your hands until it’s sticky again, and then roll it in the flour a bit more. Eventually it’ll start being less bloby and more dough-like, at which point start rolling it out on a chopping board.

This is going to take a while, because ideally you need to roll it out until it’s only a few millimetres thick. As it reaches the edge of your chopping board, divide it into smaller sheets. Eventually you want really, really thin sheets as close as you can make them to the size of your lasagna pan.


Depending on how many sheets you have, work out how you’re going to do this. Ideally, you want a sheet at the bottom, and then to layer red, pasta, white, pasta, red, pasta, white etc, ending with a layer of white topped with cheese. Ration your sheets and sauce appropriately. Place in a pre-heated oven for an hour or so, then eat some and freeze the rest.

Photo by Philipp Katzenberger on Unsplash