LoneCat was my girlfriend until she dumped me.

(This is being written less than half an hour after the fact. Sanity is possibly missing at this point.)

What happened?

Actually, that’s pretty much what I want to know, too. The facts are as follows, I suppose. The weekend of the 4th Feb, Lonecat was staying in with the creators of a MUSH she’s an admin on. Quite apart from the fact that she was increasingly choosing to spend time on the MUSH instead of with me - although as she got more responsibility on it and more into it she played it more. And as she is unemployed, she’s got lots of time to play it, and she is very, very good at it too.

Anyway, quite apart from the MUSH which I was jealous of anyway, I had noticed over previous weeks that she’d stopped being part of the relationship. Stopped responding to hugs, for example, or anything else. When I phoned her, I was basically dismissed, and then I, basically, crashed completely for a couple of days. The reason my brain gave was that she hadn’t said she loved me when I rang off - hadn’t replied, wouldn’t reply. Then I did something that is faintly embarrising to me now.

I angsted about it in my livejournal.

Literally, the LJ I only ever use for reading and commenting got a long, self pitying post on the subject, which I deleted a couple of hours - and 10 comments - later. I vowed to talk to LC about it.

This I completely failed to do. I’d been failing to talk to her about it since I noticed - which is probably months - and I continued to do so until last weekend.

Last weekend we were walking to the station. LoneCat was a while ahead of me - she walks faster in the cold to be out in it less - and my brain started using this as a metaphor for us drifting apart. I caught up, and we talked. Not lots, but I raised the issue that we might be splitting up, that I didn’t want to, that I loved her. She said she liked living with me still - which should have clued me into the doom from the start, really - and that she would think about it, and almost nothing else, while I filled the silence with meaningless words about… I really don’t remember.

Wednesday this week, she said she was going to stay with the MUSH people again, and I said I really wanted to finish the conversation, so she stayed behind. And we talked this afternoon.

And now, I’m single, and more than anything I want to hold her and kiss her and to go back to when it was alright again.

But it isn’t.

I can’t really afford to move, so we’re going to continue living here for the foreseeable, unless this doesn’t fade away and I can’t stand to live here anymore (I typed that as “love here” first three times).

I’m hoping this changes, that she’ll change her mind, or rediscover it, or something.

I’m wishing she said something before, or that we could give it another go, or try. But she doesn’t want to, and I can’t do this on my own.

So I don’t know what happens now.

What happens now is that Pol & Supermouse picked me up at about 19:30ish and took me back to Aylesbury to stop me spending an unhelpful amount of time angsting about this whole situation.

It helps, it really does. It’s possible that being at work tomorrow and actually doing stuff will help more.

I keep doing the “What If?” thing. What If I’d done it differently? Stayed home more? Said I loved her more? What if I hadn’t stopped being the first one to initate anything? is that what killed it?

Is it dead? Should I just leave it alone, or is it worth fighting for, or will that make it worse?

I made a resolution to stop looking back. To stop wading in the past, analysing things that I could have done differently and how it would be now if I had. That was easier when I had one thing that I could look at and say “Yes, this lead me here, and here is right”.

There is gone. Now what?